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[Nov. 8th, 2006|02:54 am] |
Aaah! It's my birthday! I have a lot of work to do and I'm probably going to be up for a long long time, but I guess that means I'll get the most out of these 24 hours. And I'm feeling pretty old. 22 is a big number, especially for still being in college, and it makes me feel sort of slow and stupid, which isn't all that great.
Today will be a very long day, and I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep soon. I made about a zillion cookies to give out today, because I always liked the idea of giving people something on your birthday. I made too many though, like seriously.
That's it, I guess. Back to work. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|09:55 am] |
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So now that my wisdom teeth are out, I look like a chipmunk. I feel pretty embarrassed about it, and the swelling is taking forever to go away, leaving me with a sickening feeling that I might have enlarged cheeks for the rest of my life. I can also feel the stitches in my gums and when they get moved around, everything hurts. I am glad this is not a couple hundred years ago when bad teeth meant death. |
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[Aug. 7th, 2006|11:30 pm] |
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I'm back from vacation. It was pretty much the greatest intellectual experience I've had in a long time. I think everyone should go to Eastern Europe. Now it's time for wrapping up my internship, getting my wisdom teeth out, and getting ready to go back to school. What a drag. I wish I could relocate Cornell to a less annoying place with far fewer annoying people. Because, wouldn't that be nice? |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2006|06:16 pm] |
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We're leaving for Eastern Europe for vacation tomorrow--Prague, Budapest and Krakow. It should be fun and I'm really looking forward to it. When I get back I'll have just 4 short days left of interning then it's back off to school. I can't figure out whether I'm looking forward to this year. I'll be living alone, which should be kind of fun, but it will mean I'll have to be more social otherwise I'll end up a hermit. I also just feel like going back to school is sort of a waste now. It would honestly serve me better to drop out and move to LA. I'm really not kidding. That's how important my Cornell degree will be to the film industry. Yay for no benefit from four years of hard work. Oh well, at least I'm going on vacation! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|12:33 am] |
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Oh man, I just got a new Macbook Pro and Final Cut Pro and there are now about a zillion different things I can do on my computer. It's overwhelming to think about the creative possibilities. I'd just like to sit in front of it all day, and I probably will end up doing so. It's so neat! |
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[May. 1st, 2006|01:43 am] |
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So my film is due tomorrow and I feel like I could just work on it for the rest of the week and maybe, just maybe, it would look decent. Editing is pretty addicting. I'm feeling like it might be a cool thing to do for a living. Except that all my perfectionist tendencies have emerged again and I can't stop. Yay for late late nights. |
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[Apr. 19th, 2006|11:03 pm] |
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I'm getting so sad and self-destructive-like again. I guess it's the end of the semester push that is coming up for me faster than for most people. I feel like nothing I've accomplished this year has been worth anything and that I just have to call all of junior year some kind of break from real life. I just feel like my participation in non-academic things has been completely futile, my academics have been just barely interesting. And it's funny, too, because I'm taking really interesting classes and doing really cool things, but I'm such a pessimist that I can't see anything that's good about my life. I assume everyone hates me or that I'm failing everything, or that I'm wasting my time. Part of me knows that I'm not, but part of me believes that I am. I just can't seem to get the better part to take over. |
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[Mar. 22nd, 2006|06:52 pm] |
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I got an internship with Focus Features this summer. It's exactly what I wanted and I'm so excited. |
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[Mar. 3rd, 2006|02:01 am] |
I think an update might be due. It's mildly important that I maintain this journal, at least so a couple people know I'm still around. The semester is about to be half over and I feel like it's barely begun. I can't believe it's already March. Soon it will be April and then May. And then summer.
I decided today that I'm over being a junior in college. It's a ridiculous year. I feel like I've spent the whole thing growing more and more insecure and immature and confused about myself and life. Let me tell you, it hasn't been all that pleasant. I mean, I don't really understand why I suddenly feel like I'm in high school again, why I am insecure about all the things that high schoolers are insecure about. I'm twenty-one years old. I shouldn't be worrying about whether people think I'm worth their time. I should be worrying about whether I'll be getting a job in the next year and a half, whether I'm continuing to improve myself, whether I am able to be happy with myself.
I have this theory that all of life happens in cycles and that good and bad things always happen, always come back to you to elicit the same emotions, but they come in the form of different events and each time you deal with them differently because you've had experience. If that's true, then is it really fair for my life to have just cycled back to when I was thirteen, learning for the first time what it is like to know that other people have opinions about you, or worse, that other people might not have any opinions about you at all?
When did I lose the idea that I am for no one but myself? |
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[Feb. 8th, 2006|01:12 am] |
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I miss After Eight. I just want to sing. And now I've gone and quit. What an ass I am. |
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[Feb. 1st, 2006|05:27 pm] |
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I need a miracle. :-( |
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[Jan. 17th, 2006|12:35 pm] |
I'm not really sure that I'm looking forward to going back to school. Honestly, I'm going to miss waking up and cooking a nice breakfast every morning, then leisurely doing whatever it is I have to do that day. I'm going to miss driving all over the state to shop for random important things, like the new dress I bought for After Eight yesterday for $40. I'm definitely not excited to be back in my dump of an apartment at school with a zillion things to do every day and like 2 hours to do them in. I guess I don't have the highest expectations for this semester :) so maybe that will be a good thing and I'll be, like, totally surprised in a really good way. In all honesty, I really just want to graduate and get a job so my life can be normal.
Back to laundry! |
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[Jan. 14th, 2006|10:46 am] |
Thursday night I went to the Glee Club concert with the Rutgers Glee Club and then retrieved Will from the GC tour for a brief sojourn. He needed a break from those crazy guys, so we hung out that night, then yesterday we hung out at home, went to the Hamilton Grounds for Sculpture, and had lunch at Fedora's before I dropped him off at the train station to go into the city to meet up with the club again. It was his first train ride ever!
Today is King of Prussia and baking cookies day. Also, I purchased a pair of size 4 jeans, and they fit! I'm like so ecstatic :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|11:12 am] |
New Years was fun. I went to visit Will in Buffalo. There's not a whole lot to do there and it's mainly overcast and icky, but we had a great time. I'd forgotten how much fun it is just to enjoy his company without having lots of other things to think about as well. His family liked me and I liked them, so that was cool. We drank coffee and ate leftover Christmas cookies.
Now I'm home again and sending out resumes and cover letter to get an internship this summer. It would be nice if I could get that out of the way over break, but I know that's not going to happen. Deadlines for these things are absurdly late, in my opinion. Some aren't until April, which I think is silly because most people need to know what they're doing for the summer well before the summer starts. I'd like to be in the city, but again, we'll see.
Other than that there's not a whole lot going on. I'm cleaning my room a little bit and reading some and also trying to finally get all the vitamins and minerals and such that I haven't been eating for the past however many years. My hair was falling out and I finally realized that I needed to take a serious look at my diet which formerly contained very little protein.
I think I'll chew some gum. |
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[Dec. 15th, 2005|12:26 pm] |
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So I'm home. I've just gotten together my reading list for winter break so as not to lapse into the "oh my god, I'm so useless" state of mind that is usually so inevitable. It should be a fun break, with lots to hold my attention. We're going to the Dominican Republic in a week, so I need to remember to go on a massive bathing suit diet before then. Also, I need to do a lot of cleaning up of my room and a lot of planning and doing for After Eight. Next semester is going to be incredibly busy, so I'd better start planning now. I'm glad it's winter break. I really need it. |
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[Dec. 9th, 2005|01:25 pm] |
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crap, it's BBC, not A&E. And I pretend to be so knowledgeable... |
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[Dec. 9th, 2005|11:44 am] |
Yesterday I turned in my 2nd and 3rd paper and now all I have left is a final next Wednesday. It's too early to start studying, so I'm taking a fun day today. I think I'll go up to Syracuse and hang out at the mall. I could really use some serious alone time and I'd really just like to go shopping.
Last night I made the most perfect matzah balls ever! Every time I make them they're always chewy at the center and last night they were all fluffy and beautiful. If anyone has ever had the experience of making awful matzah balls, you'll understand. Then Will and I went to see Pride and Prejudice, which I was, as expected, completely disappointed with. I honestly don't understand why they remade the movie. The only people who are going to see it are the people who are in love with the A&E version, and they're so in love with it that they're going to be expecting to see something that doesn't live up to the better version. Granted, this movie was pretty to look at, but they didn't develop the characters very well and they left out so many of the really interesting things in the book and in the other film version that it was almost like they were saying to the audience "well, we know you've already read the book and seen the better film version of this, so we're just going to half-ass this thing." I'm glad I saw it, but honestly, does anyone really compare to Colin Firth? I didn't think so. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|11:09 pm] |
Lately I've really been feeling like I've missed out on the whole making friends freshman year that stay with you for all of college thing. And I guess I feel like that because that's what happened. Now that I'm out of ILR, I'm one of the only transfers I know and while I guess I've achieved the not separating myself as a transfer student thing, I'm not really sure that there are many people who I have really connected with in a way that makes me comfortable. I guess most people don't know what it's like to transfer. And I don't know what it's like to be a freshman here, so there's this whole year of experience that I can't--or other people can't relate to. I almost just want to go live on North and get a crazy too big meal plan and have an RA again, just so I can finally say I know what that whole deal is about.
I've also been thinking lately a lot about what college has been like so far and how it could have been different if I'd gotten involved in different activities. And now I'm wondering if I've really made the right decisions. Have I had enough fun? Have I been focused enough? Have I ignored things that could have potentially been good for me? And I've been thinking, is it too late to do some of the things I think might have been interesting? And if I started doing those things, would I really be as happy as I think I'd be? Or maybe I'd just be unsatisfied, wondering what it would be like if I did other things, and so on.
I really wish I were going abroad. I'd gain so much useful perspective. |
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[Nov. 26th, 2005|10:21 pm] |
In about two and a half weeks, half of junior year will be over. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. I feel like I haven't caught up with my life this semester and that it's just moving forward without me. I, like, need to figure out what I'm doing this summer and after college and now and stuff.
I have to keep watching The Silence of the Lambs for my presentation on Wednesday and I keep getting creeped out by the head in the jar and the bathtub full of body parts. In fact, I think I'm getting more and more scared each time I watch. Go figure. |
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| post birthday bash |
[Nov. 13th, 2005|12:13 pm] |
So it's been a pretty fantastic week. I can't remember being so happy in a long time, which isn't really saying much, considering that I haven't really been happy for awhile. It may have something to do with the fact that I'm set with school work until final papers, but it may also have to do with the fact that I'm just fed up with being down on myself. Sure, it's great to criticize yourself for being this or that because it makes you a better person and you're constantly improving yourself, and sure I'm not really capable of ever being truly satisfied with anything I've done, but it's ok to remind yourself that tomorrow's another day and that you probably do have another chance. It's not as though I'm constantly up against insurmountable odds here, and I really need to stop making myself feel like that. I'm not talking about becoming lazy. I mean that there's no use worrying constantly about things you can't change or things that you've already done that you can't fix or redo. I'm not changing the world, so I shouldn't feel that kind of pressure. There are people who like me and people who aren't that fond of me, and it's the same with everyone and it'll always be the same with everyone.
My 21st birthday was Tuesday, so I've been ruminating all week about life and how I'm living it and how other people are living it. This stuff is strange, I have to say, but everyone goes through it, I think...at least everyone who is reading this. And maybe I'm learning later than other people that it's ok to cut yourself a break once in awhile, that the phrase "nobody's perfect" actually does include yourself. I go to a good school, I'm going to get out of here with a good degree, and my life will go in good directions. I forgot that college was supposed to be fun, and now that I've realized, I'm going to make the most of it, or at least try to.
I'm not a philosopher. I just want to enjoy my silly little life before it's over. And there's no reason I shouldn't. |
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kta's journal